


Leviathan

by Recluse



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, M/M, could be shippy if you squint, mostly about sousuke's thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recluse/pseuds/Recluse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He swallows it all, into the depths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leviathan

When Rin is finally out of sight, Sousuke bites his lip and swallows down the sensation that suddenly tingles up his neck towards his eyes. He's not someone who cries. That's always been Rin's job, crying over anything. He's the one who stays calm, balances him out, makes things even. He's not emotional. He's strong.

(So he swallows it down, that feeling, the pressure behind his eyes.

A single drop falls, and makes a quiet sound.)

* * *

Rin's letters are frequent, at first.

He seems excited, a little nervous, but he claims that everyone at his new school is really fast, and that the coaches must be really good, and he's not too bad at speaking English, so he's okay.

Sousuke writes back that middle school is boring without him around, and that he's doing okay, that Gou is doing okay too, and that a couple of guys from their swim club are in his class. He writes about joining the swim team and staying in swim club -- tells Rin that he better practice, because when he comes back, Sousuke will definitely be faster.

He does not write about Nanase, or how he's lost a couple of races since he's started middle school -- there's no point, he thinks, in writing about things that will depress them, not now.

Their letters slow down as the year passes.

Then that one letter comes, where Rin writes that he's busy and that things are going slow -- and Sousuke can see the vague eraser lines, strains to read the letters that Rin had erased and wrote over, sees things about being homesick and training, sees Nanase's name pressed into the paper where the eraser couldn't reach, and he wishes this was a letter that was meant for him so he could write back that it'd be okay, that Rin is always going to make it. That he's trying really hard too, that there are people who he just can't seem to beat in his middle school team, that his times haven't improved much recently, that Rin isn't alone, that Rin should keep reaching, that he'd said himself that talent can't surpass hard work.

(And Nanase is _all_ talent. Sousuke can see it -- he's tough in the water, his form is amazing -- but the passion to win, to work harder, to aim higher -- that doesn't exist. Not like in Rin and him, Nanase's good, incredible in a way, but it's not the same.)

But he doesn't, because that letter was never meant for him, and he knows it. Instead he passes it on to Nanase and writes back a more relaxed letter, not saying anything that he thinks, because why should he? It hadn't been for him, in the end, it'd feel wrong to respond so directly to a letter that he knows wasn't meant for him. That's not his style.

And when Rin comes home for New Years, Sousuke can see the soft and sad look he's trying to hide from his mother, his sister, one that he covers up with a smile that's not the same as before. He doesn't know why Rin chooses to do that instead of just saying something, but if Rin wants to try and hide it, it's not his business to drag it out. He'll wait. Wasn't there a saying, "patience is a virtue"?

Rin doesn't mention any of the things he erased and rewrote, and so, Sousuke doesn't either. They talk about mindless, meaningless things, throwdown for who pulls fortunes first, and Sousuke pretends he doesn't notice how Rin pauses and looks somewhere far off sometimes, with an empty look on his face, how he'll ask about Nanase and those other Iwatobi guys, then act like he never asked at all when Sousuke shrugs.

(He swallows the words he wants to ask, the things he wants to say. Are things okay in Australia? Is there anyone else you can talk to? What are the people there like, are they nice to you? How is your training? Have you gotten better, do those guys still intimidate you? You know you can tell me anything, right? I'll listen if you want me to. You've always been a crybaby, so I'm used to it, so if you want to cry, you can. I don't mind much. You said you've cried over there, was there anybody telling you it's okay?

My times haven't been as good as they could be. I've been improving too slowly. I'm working hard though, so you too, you work hard too, and we'll definitely be the best. We'll swim races together, against each other, with each other, definitely.

He swallows it all down. Drop after drop, the words he never says, they fall somewhere with a hollow echo, _drip, drip_.)

* * *

 Rin's letters stop coming, within the middle of his second middle school year, and he doesn't see him that New Years, because he's been accepted to a school in Tokyo for swimming, and he has to go there early to prepare.

The last letter should have been written by Rin. Sousuke had sent one and never received a reply, and he wonders why. Had it gotten lost in the mail? Did Rin not bother with a reply? Did something happen?

He checks the mailbox everyday before he has to go, but his hope slowly falls apart when it's empty every time.

Rin, that guy, he had probably hit a wall and felt hopeless. Sousuke writes one other letter, telling him that he'll be all right, that things will work out, that he's going off to a swimming school because he's improved, that he expects to see Rin again at a swim meet sometime, to write back to him.

He doesn't get another letter. He feels like writing that second letter was a useless effort, and hates himself for it.

He checks the mailbox one last time before he leaves, and his hand doesn't uncurl the whole time, stuck in a fist.

(He swallows down his anger, because Rin has always been this kind of guy, the kind of guy who forgets others when he's bothered. How annoying. How frustrating.

Why hadn't he wrote back? Was Sousuke really so unreliable? Was that why?

Even that letter, that letter had been for someone else--

He should have just replied to it honestly, why hadn't he before--

\--He swallows his anger and that other feeling, that sludge feeling, that jealousy that makes a pit in his stomach.

He'll get better. He'll get to the top. He'll prove himself, and then go find Rin, and pick him up even if he has to drag him.

The things he swallows down, they fall into the cavern where all the other things lie, the echoes of droplets louder and louder, _drip, drip, drop_. One after another, hitting the surface and melting into the rest, the words he can't say, the things he wants to do -- all of it, swallowed down, heavier and heavier is the pit in his chest, and he carries himself tightly, so he doesn't fall from the forming weight.)

* * *

 This school is a whole different level.

Every day is merciless, intense training that he can't quite keep up with despite himself, and the upperclassmen don't bother with him if they don't have to. Everyone here, from every wall, from every seat -- their presence is overwhelming, the desires that flow from person to person, the will to win, the stress, the struggle, the frustrations, all of it flows from the people here. The tension, the constant movement makes him sick for the first week, he misses home, where the sea is quieter than the rush of the city.

In some ways, he likes it, he won't lie. It's refreshing, the pace, the everyday hurry. But most of him is aching for home, for months he aches and his times are slower than nearly everyone there, and he grits his teeth and struggles and thinks, so is this what Rin was going through? _Is_ going though?

He's not going to lose to Rin, not even the image of him, and so he trains. Everyday, forces his body to agree, forces his way, gains a presence in the water, focuses on dragging his opponent behind him, pulling them into the deep while he claws his way to the surface.

This city, this school, all of it teaches him how to exert a presence, a pressure, something that says that he exists in this massive school in this massive city, in the hustle and bustle. That he's there as something, that he has an existence, that he belongs there, he forces his way into the reality of the crowd. 

In his second year they call him a monster. His times rise and rise once he adjusts to Tokyo, they call him incredible, they call him a country boy, they call him _one of us_ , they call him a lot of things. None of it matters, really, because his focus narrows, narrows until all he can see is the top time slot on the board, the walls of the pool and the dividers, the strips that mean victory when he slaps his palms against them.

( _The top_ , the words roll around his head, echo constantly, _the top_.)

He doesn't bother with others. They'll get in his way. Being friends, things like that, he doesn't need any of that. Other people aren't necessary to his goals, he can do everything he needs to do without anyone hindering him. No one else is necessary to reach what he reaches for, what he drags others down and under for, he doesn't need anyone for any of that. He can do it alone. He can, he can, he'll prove it--

(The words play in endless loops when he sleeps, _the top the top the top,_ and he sleeps with his mp3 player on to drown it out. A part of him numbs over as he gets closer and closer, but he doesn't have the time to acknowledge it -- he's barely there, almost, reaching for something he can see, glittering, and he thinks that whatever has been numbing will ease when he finally has it in his grasp.

It doesn't. When he grasps the top in his hands, clutches it like a dead man, a part of him is still numb, even though he has what he wanted.)

* * *

He's gotten resigned to it, the numb feeling. He can't feel it as much, but he feels a weight against him, forcing him to work harder.

And then like a storm that comes from nowhere, he sees Rin again, swimming _terribly_ , and then that relay -- that relay, like the past. It sparkles, they swim incredibly, but his teeth grind together just watching it, watching Rin throw away an opportunity. What had he been doing? What were they all doing? Why was Rin with them, when he could have been already so much more?

(Why had Rin not told him he was back? Why hadn't he ever replied to that letter? Why hadn't he ever said anything, sent anything, even just a few words, an "I'm back"?)

Sousuke stares from his post in the stands and tries to remember why had he even wanted to reach the top.

(Rivulets roll down into that chasm where all the things he hasn't said lie, the things he'd swallowed down, thought after thought and word after word, I was worried, where were you, how long have you been there, I have to beat you, I hate it when people call me that, why are the people here so scary, I have to prove myself, don't look down on me, I'm better than this, I want to stop, I want to quit, I can't do this, I have to do this, I have a goal, what about Rin, what about the future, can I really do this, I have to do this, _I have to do this I have to make it I have to prove what I'm worth I have to I have to_

\--All those words, swirling in a pit inside him, waves crashing against the walls of his chest, weighing him down, demanding, slowing him down.)

When his times falter, he asks if he can spend his last year at a high school closer to his hometown, "to spend some time with my family before I go". It's not a total lie. His family should see him before he goes off. But he goes mostly because he wants to fix this numbness, wants to breathe again, wants this heavy weight that he doesn't understand to go, and thinks, maybe. Maybe, his thoughts drift to that relay and the look of pure, easy happiness on Rin's face each time, maybe there's something he's missing. That he hasn't ever tried to understand before.

They let him transfer.

* * *

(Every time with Rin, every time the words start coming out of him, he feels that weight lessen, but the words begin to flow too fast, too harshly, rush out at a pace he had never wanted them to go.

He hadn't realized. There's an ocean of things, tumultuous, the rage of the sea within him, words and words he's wanted to say, never said until now, until this opportunity, and they spill out, spill over his dams and his walls even when he tries to collect them back, stop the overflow.

But there's no stopping them, the dam has been breached, a hole in the wall -- and yet the pressure is heavier when he sees Rin still not as serious as he should be, not as serious as himself while he was reaching, the pressure, the chaos of the sea in a storm.

It's all spilling over.)

**Author's Note:**

> I just can't help but keep thinking about Sousuke like what is his angst every boy on this show has some what is his what is it I need that next ep
> 
> Some ramblings below:
> 
> When I heard about that letter thing I felt really bad for him, and I've been kind of constantly wondering what hardened up Sousuke. His high speed self and the young self in the anime -- he seems more relaxed about swimming, even if he is competitive, but with the way he is in the current free timeline, I feel like he's been under a lot of strain and forced into hardening himself. Which isn't too surprising since he wants to go pro, but it almost feels like too much. I really just wanted to kind of explore his habit of not saying things and how he might have handled his own struggling.


End file.
